Sad

I asked my husband recently if he thought I was too obsessed with my blog. He replied that he thought my relationship with my blog was fine, as long as I wasn't using it to avoid my feelings about moving. (Did I mention he's a psychologist? His EQ is way higher than mine.) So here goes: a big festering mass of feelings.

I feel sad.

In beginning fiction classes, they always tell you "Show, don't tell." So instead of saying "I feel sad," I'm supposed to describe myself sobbing, or at least delicately wiping away a tear as I page through a photo album. But if you're a feeling-phobe like me, you'll happily go to any descriptive lengths to avoid writing "I feel sad." Naming your feelings and sitting with them is the hard part.

I am sad that I left my friends behind in Pennsylvania. I am sad that I can't share lunch and shopping with Katie in Plymouth Meeting once a month. I am sad my other college friends and I can't get together as a group at Katie's house and sit around talking. I am sad that when I'm having a bad day, I can't pack up the baby and head over to Kaela's house for cookies and coffee. I'm sad that we won't go apple picking with Kaela, Mike, and Antje this fall. I am miserable that I won't get to see Antje grow up.

I am sad that we moved Ben 900 miles away from his grandparents, aunt, and uncles. It breaks my heart to think he'll only see my parents a few times a year. I am sad for us that Uncle Jay or Aunt Beth can't babysit for a few hours on a weekend any more, and I'm sad for them that they've already missed so many of Ben's changes. When my brother Trey visited a week ago, Ben gave him hugs and learned to say "Uncle." It makes me sad to think how few opportunities he'll have to use that word.

I am sad that my familiar life in Philadelphia is gone. I will never again see the crossing guard I said hi to every morning. We are no longer members of the food co-op. My ballet class will go on without me. We will most likely never go back to most of our favorite restaurants. I don't even know what my old book club is reading this month. All of this makes me sad.

My mother has a hard time with negative emotions, and I think it's her training that makes me want to discount what I've just written, or explain why things aren't that bad. (After all, my husband got a great new job! We bought a house!) But I'm still learning that in order to appreciate the positive, I also have to acknowledge the negative. So for now, I'll just type I am sad and stop there.


Photo by Phil H on flickr.com.