Update

I haven’t been blogging much of late, I think because I’ve been feeling… transitional. I’m not quite sure what I’m transitioning to, but I am trying to be patient with myself in the process.

First, an update on last semester: I completed my social problems and social issues class and earned an A. My paper on discrimination against mothers in the workforce turned out well (the professor asked if she could keep a copy), except that documenting the biases made me anxious and angry. I’m considering master’s of social work or an MA in sociology starting Fall 2009 or 2010. This semester, I am taking an introduction to psychological statistics class in hopes of learning how statistics work in the social sciences. I have never taken a stat class, and I’m a bit nervous about doing math after a 10-year hiatus.

A new project has been absorbing a lot of my energy lately: StudioSTL asked me to co-direct its latest book project, an anthology of 7^th-grade writing in the Wellston school district. I’ll be working with a local poet and several mentors to help the students write essays and poetry. I am amazingly excited. I enjoyed working on last year’s anthology, and I’m honored to be given a (modestly paid) leadership role. In fact, I think this project has diminished my feelings of urgency about going back to school, since it’s something I can do right now that uses my energy and talents.

When I looked up Wellston on Wikipedia and saw that 70% of the children there live in poverty, I stopped short. If I want to help, shouldn’t I focus on something more basic than a creative writing anthology? This Sunday, at the Unitarian church we’ve been going to, I felt like I received an answer when someone quoted civil rights leader Howard Thurmond: Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.

Where does this leave my writing? I’m not sure. Aside from a short-short story, I have been on a fiction break since the summer. The first half of last year, though, was extremely productive, fiction-wise, so I should probably work on revising and submitting some of those pieces. I’ve been freewriting twice a week, which occasionally produces poems I’m proud of.

I’m also finding myself more open to the idea of writing nonfiction. After working on my paper last semester, I considered trying to develop the ideas into a book, but I’m not sure I feel passionate enough about the subject matter (or have very many original ideas to add to the existing literature). More recently, Tom and I have been discussing female friendship and social connectedness, and I’m sure there could be a book there too. A friend, trying to convince me to make a foray into nonfiction, passed on this column from Editorial Ass (and in searching for it in her archives just now I found a post of hers I’d missed about how friendship is a great book topic—maybe I’m onto something there).

Last week, I cleaned out my study and took down these signs, which no longer felt relevant. I left up a quotation by Theodore Roethke from “The Waking”: I learn by going where I have to go.

Right now, I’m not quite sure where I’m going. I wish I were. I like to have a definite plan, a clear trajectory. I’m trying to take the time, though, to appreciate where I am—to appreciate the fact that I can take classes, read, write, and work with students.

I go back to my mission statement, also posted on my wall: My mission is to live a centered life by helping others, by building and tending relationships, by teaching and learning, and by showing the truth of the world through my writing and my life. It comforts me to know that though my focus is shifting, I’m still being true to my mission. And if my mission changes, I will just have to make some edits.