Emotional Parenting

Regular readers of my blog may remember that I'm not good with emotions. Mindful of my weakness, I bought Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, by John Gottman. I had read one of his books on marriage, and I like him because he's a clinical psychologist who bases his theories on empirical research. Now that Ben is almost one and a half and is displaying a full range of emotions, I was hoping to pick up a few pointers to improve my parenting.

Gottman makes a strong case for raising emotionally intelligent children. He writes, "Evidence is mounting that kids who can feel their parents' love and support are better protected from the threats of youth violence, antisocial behavior, drug addiction, premature sexual activity, adolescent suicide, and other social ills. Studies reveal that children who feel respected and valued in their families to better in school, have more friendships, and live healthier, more successful lives."

The self-tests towards the beginning were helpful for assessing parenting style and determining one's own comfort with negative emotions. (I wish, though, that the explanation of results had been a little clearer.) I learned--no surprise here--that I'm somewhat comfortable with anger, and deeply uncomfortable with sadness. My mother perfectly fits the profile of the Dimissing parent; to this day, she'll explain to you that there's no point in feeling sad. I realized how well I had learned this from her when, while reading to Ben from his book of baby faces, I wanted to skip over the babies labeled "angry" and "sad."

I thought I should get a gold star because I try to help Ben name his emotions. "Yes, you're very frustrated right now," I'll tell him as he squirms in the grocery cart. Or, "You're feeling sad because Daddy had to go bye-bye." I was proud when Ben learned the words "happy," "sad," and "angry." But Gottman's book showed me that my work is far from done--naming emotions is only one part of a five-step process! The five steps are as follows:

1. Be aware of the child's emotions
2. Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
3. Listen empathetically and validate the child's feelings
4. Help the child verbally label emotions
5. Set limits while helping the child problem-solve

The second step really made me think; in my family, we definitely didn't see sadness and anger as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching. I wished I had read this book when I was teaching high school, because it made me remember opportunities I had missed to be closer to my students. For example, if a student made an excuse for missing a deadline (because something distressing had come up), I could have talked to her first about her feelings about the upsetting event, rather than the deadline. I might not have changed my late-grade policy, but at least the student would have felt heard.

Another thing I discovered from the book is the crucial role fathers play in helping their children develop emotional intelligence. As a mother hoping to improve her parenting skills, I was disheartened to see a chapter devoted to fathers but none for mothers, but I was also secretly relieved; as befits a psychologist, Tom is much better with emotions than I am, so it's probably for the best if he has more influence over Ben in that arena. Children with involved fathers tend to be better at regulating their emotions than children with distant or absent fathers, and Gottman hypothesizes that fathers' playing style (which includes more rough-housing and stimulating play) teaching children how to become excited and then calm down again afterwards, which is an important life skill to have.

I'm going to go back over the book to make sure I understand the steps so I can put them into practice. After reading it, I've found myself watching other parents interact with their children, and I can better spot which ones are dealing with their children's emotions and which ones aren't. I highly recommend this book to all parents who want to have close relationships with their children.